You know those annoyingly positive people who live in a bubble of rainbows and butterflies? Yeah, that’s me…. usually. Even on the bad days I would find the light. Why wouldn’t I? I have Simon. I have my family. I have my friends. Roof over my head, a car that runs, clothes on my back and all four limbs and all senses.
But, most importantly I have God. He always comes through. I don’t know how, but it ALWAYS works out no matter how bad it may look.
Which is why what I’m about to share with y’all is something very vulnerable and part embarrassing, but this is my therapy. I have to get it out. I have to share.
2017 has been my year. Nope, not the good kind. I mean it was MY YEAR. We all have them (some of us more than others). The tough ones where people said goodbye, people walked out, things were taken, ect.
If you go look at my social media you see how much I love my job. What you don’t see is that I was close to losing it back in May. I had come so far after Simon’s dad destroyed me from the inside out. I was finally confident again and strong in my decisions. Then a heartbreak happened. One that I knew was coming because through the whole thing I always felt like we were missing each other. It was God telling me what I knew and was forcing anyway. So, it wasn’t a heartbreak it was a failure to me and it was rejection. This person, admittedly, would have rather had his buffet of women than be with me. When I say “buffet” I mean he had several girls he was seeing and all of them were the same “type”. The Instagram model or local girls who (according to social media) cared more about what their lives looked like online than adding to the actual world. Which was strange because I was the odd man out. I’m not that girl. Sure, I look pretty and happy in my pictures, but then you come to this site and read about the struggles I face.
I felt out-of-place. I’ve felt out of place most of my life. Not because I’m weird, but because I was surrounding myself with people– not MY people. People who I had to work to impress. People I had to change for. It was exhausting!
So, here I was feeling rejected, less than because I don’t have fake anything.. all that crap. CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. Burdens. I was walking with weight that wasn’t mine to carry and it was overflowing into work. I was unmotivated, lazy, procrastinated, forgot, I wasn’t clear-headed. It was horrible. Any other company would’ve let me go, but not HMI. They wanted to help me through it because THEY SAW MY WORTH and MY POTENTIAL. I only had to get to a point where I was going to lose it all if I didn’t change.
So they sent me home and gave me a few days off. During those days I spent A LOT of time crying. A lot of time thinking. A lot of time talking to God. I broke down. All those scars that I thought had healed after Simon’s dad and from my biological dad not being around were open again.
Crazy how we have to get to that point for us to finally reach for God. And you know what? He was there. He carried me through. I survived it and healed. People probably think I’m a hypocrite. And maybe they’re right. Because I cuss, but I go to church. I judge others, but I repent and I try to not. I sin. We all do. But I talk to God about it. Boy, do I talk to God.. He probably chuckles at me sometimes because its ridiculous what I tell Him.
I came back to work after those few days and everything had changed. It was like God had flipped this switch inside me. I was clear-headed, focused, motivated, inspired. It was obvious with me and obvious with my bosses. So much so that they take time to tell me how proud they are.
Fast forward to August. I met someone new. Someone that didn’t feel like I was missing. It made sense. It made total sense. I felt like everything I prayed for was finally happening.
But, sometimes the devil doesn’t come dressed in horns and a cape. He comes as everything you ever wanted, right?
Over time I began to feel this darkness come over me. As if my power was being taken away. I found myself insecure. Overthinking everything. Stressed out. Questioning my worth all over again. It was one of those “off and on” things so during an “off” I stopped and prayed. And God told me “depression”. Loud and clear. Not me. The guy. I asked him if he struggled with it and with a simple “yes” everything spun to make sense. I spent a weekend researching it. I knew nothing about it. I thought I had gone through it, but what I went through was nothing compared to this. It’s a sickness. It’s a disease and it’s very real. It doesn’t affect the person struggling.. it affects EVERYONE close to them. And as a Christian I believe these things are like spirits and this spirit was coming upon me. It was changing my reactions to others. My motivation. My thoughts. The devil was attacking me hardcore.
All the while I knew it was just God protecting us from something way worse than what I was feeling.
Imagine being in a tub underwater slowly suffocating and wanting to live, but you just can’t get yourself to sit up. That’s how I felt. Never once had I considered, EVER, but during this I had the thought “no wonder people do it, this sucks”. THAT’S WHEN I KNEW! This dude… I wanted to help him. I thought I could save him. I thought I could be the one to lead him to God. I can’t. You can’t. He’s gotta do it.
This all started at the beginning of December. This whole month has been hell. Ups and downs. Even on the ups I was walking on eggshells. It was HELL.
Meanwhile, it’s effecting my job because I’m so focused on it. I’m dwelling on ways to fix it. My parents divorced. Our brother still isn’t speaking to us. Our other brother is gone. Everything was just moving and changing. Simon was going through the “Mommy is my best friend” stage. I was being pulled in different directions, my normal life was changing, and all I could think about was this guy. WHAT.THE.HECK! Someone slap me if I do this again hahaha My poor friends are exhausted from the same questions, the same cries, everything because I didn’t want what was about to happen, to happen. I knew I had to accept this guy wasn’t for me.
Why would I give that to Simon?! Why would I do that to MYSELF?! You can love someone, but love yourself more.
I spent Christmas weekend sulking. It was horrible. Really sulking. Not once did I stop and pray to God. I thought about it, but I was angry because He was taking what I wanted. Terrible, right?!
I was feeling so insecure that I was talking to anyone and everyone about it. Whoever listened. I would just vomit my junk on them. Because I wanted to feel better. I also wanted a way to justify my feeling of wanting this to work; to try again! INSANITY! No matter what anyone said I still couldn’t comprehend that IT WASN’T ME. I was fishing for compliments because this guy would rather entertain the IG/fitness models than work things out with me and I felt ugly. He’d rather have the young, plump lipped, big boobed, FUN, no kids type than me. The mom who is independent, in bed by 9pm-up at 5am and doesn’t NEED a man to validate her existence. Boy, did I sure ALLOW him to make me feel like I did, though.
It suuuuuuuuucked, y’all. This was the worst holiday season I’ve ever had. I normally find the light… but, I just couldn’t. This whole thing sucked all my joy.
All these emotions through a holiday where families are uniting, coming together, loving giving, sharing, ect. and I felt like my life was falling apart, I felt unwanted and unworthy. So dumb because NONE OF THAT WAS TRUE.
So, you know what I did? I gathered the strength and took to my bathroom mirror and wrote down everything I could think of that I liked and loved about myself. As the words flowed, the smile on my face grew and the joy came back. Everything I worked so hard to TRULY love about ME is STILL written on my mirror. Scriptures. Quotes. Everything I need to remind myself. I even put a post it on my dash. While I did this, I prayed and I had a talk with God. And then I reached out to the strong women I know and admire and listened to what they had to say. These women reminded me of something… I thought they had it all, but, just like everyone else on social media.. life is never picture perfect. And just like I admired them and their lives… they (and countless others) admired the life I share. We forget that what we have is something someone else is praying for.
You guys! How blessed am I? How blessed are YOU? We struggle and we all prosper. That’s what connects us!!
HAHAHAHA Christmas Day 2017. This is how I will remember you…..
The day I remembered who I am. The day I read the Book of Ephesians and remember who I am.
WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT! Just different scenes and different faces.
I, literally, wake up in a house with heat and a/c and electricity to the cutest kid in the world who EVERY MORNING looks at me and smiles (even if he’s cranky) and says “mom” as if he hasn’t seen me in a long time. He wraps his arms around me and says “aww” and I cry every dang time haha But then I hop in my car and come to work and am surrounded by people who LOVE ME, CARE ABOUT ME, and WANT to see me be the best version of myself that I can. I go home and I have my family, my close friends and Simon.
Take a second to remember what YOU have… not just through the holidays or the struggle, but every day!
Like I said, Christmas 2017… the first Christmas I spent NOT by Christmas tree, not with family skiing, not opening up a ton of gifts.. but the day I remembered who I am.
AND I LOVE HER!!
2018, you will be there year I find undeniable strength. A strength so strong that no one will ever make me doubt my worth again.