Switching it up this time around. Life has been throwing me some curve balls the last year and I need to get it all out there; maybe someone someday will learn from my lessons.
How odd of a thing to say at 33 years old that I struggle with fear in all aspects of my life considering as children we look at grown ups and adults to give us guidance and lead us. We see them as fearless in a sense. We don’t know any better. Then we ourselves become grown ups and we quickly learn that there is more to this word than just “scared of the dark” or “fear of heights”.
Fear by definition is: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
(Insert the thinking emoji)
How true is that? It’s a gut-wrenching, anxious, real and very scary feeling. We fear the unknown. We fear failing. We fear getting hurt. Far deeper sh*t than the small fear of clowns, right?
But, I think the latter here is by far the most intense.
Those that know me know that my son’s dad and I had a relationship so damaging that I only recently started dating with less FEAR. We split 3+ years ago! It’s the same old song and dance. We met, it was passionate, my hopeless romanticism chipped ice from his cold heart at first, but little did I know over time he was taking advantage so subtly that I didn’t notice the damage until 2 years later.
By this time I had completely lost myself in him and his life. I didn’t recognize myself with out him. I “needed” him to survive. That was how sick I was. I wasn’t allowed to talk about my feelings, or post pics or even comment on his stuff. I felt like I needed to be like those Instagram models for him to love me, I was going into debt trying to buy his love. Talk about abuse… He was never physical, but 4 years of emotional, mental, verbal abuse and 2 abortions can almost kill a woman as sensitive as I am. But, I thought I could change him. I truly believed that I could change him. I know, let’s all laugh together.
Coming out of it I was so used to fearing the outcome had I opened up and said what I felt, what I wanted or anything other than what HE wanted to hear that anytime I tried to have a relationship with someone I held back and pushed away and missed out on possibly good relationships and experiences. I was like Aerial on The Little Mermaid when Ursula took her voice. I had none. I was praying for someone to find me, read my mind and just know what I needed. It showed all over my social media and now I get flashbacks of it when I see the “On This Day” posts lol (yay!) I just wanted someone to save me because I hadn’t learned to save myself yet.
What I really needed was time to HEAL. During all this I still kept seeing him, but it was like I was slowly quitting this habit that almost killed me. There came a point where nothing was happening for me. Couldn’t find a job, in more debt, and God was clearing out “friends”. I was broken. I look back and wonder how I made it, but I did and still have the soft heart that I do. I remember telling someone about how my life was in shambles , but that I felt like it was because God was preparing me for something much bigger than I would’ve ever thought.
I was right.
When I say that this kid saved my life, it is the God’s honest truth.
Insert MAJOR fear!
Right? “OMG! I’m going to a MOM?! But I don’t want to! That means change. How am I going to care for another human when I can’t care for myself?!”
God had a plan and with the help of my family we got through it.
The day I decided that I was going to do this (even if it meant doing it alone) it was as if a switch flipped. It all made sense. I literally had this strength and independence come over me. Some days I try to remember the moment, but I don’t. It was like I woke up one day and just didn’t want to feel that way anymore. I started in church again and began to get my heart right with God. That’s all I wanted for Simon. Mission accomplished 🙂
Fear. That word. 4 letters, but the strongest emotion next to love.
Simon is 2 now and I recently started trying to date differently. Although some of them proved to be “not the one” I started giving the “nice guy” a chance instead of who I thought was cuter.
The one thing they all had in common… fear.
It may not have worked out, but I learned more about MY strength with each of them.
Example: I learned that I can send a risky text and survive the outcome. There is nothing better than knowing rather than not and always wondering. You feel like there is a window always open with out those scary answers.
Each of them had this same story.. “my ex was this… she did that… this girl… ” and in the same way I did them, they treated me like I was them. Why? Because that’s all we had known. The past.
I have a hard time letting anyone do nice things for me because my ex fiance bought me so many materialistic things and then when it ended I had nothing except THINGS and another ex who resented me because he supported us while I went to massage school and held it over my head. Simon’s dad never bought me gifts and I paid for meals, drinks, drugs, anything… while we were together so now I feel a slight guilt when someone pays for anything for me. I still struggle with letting guys help me do things like carry bags or help me down the stairs because I’ve had to do it all on my own for so long that I forget some guys need to be the man and I need to be the woman and trust them. My biggest fear, though, is that they meet Simon and experience my life and they can’t handle it. I know I shouldn’t, but none of us want to be alone and I definitely hope Simon gets a good example of a man along the way. (Until then, he has plenty of stand-ins in soe of my best guy friends :))
Crazy though, right?! We may be over the relationship, but the scars remain. Do any of us remember what it’s like to be treated like a normal person anymore?! To let go of the fear and just open ourselves up… I know I want to remember.
I can say that recently for a short while I experienced something with someone so good that I felt this desire to just open up and spread all the joy and happiness… but, I held back things I wanted to say… things I wanted to share.. memories I wanted to make… you know why? Because society tells us not to because “too much too fast is never a good thing.”
But, what if it is worth the risk?! How do we know unless we go for it?! FEARLESSLY. Yes, there’s a chance it doesn’t work and we get hurt, but what if it DOES work?!
How silly it is to think that so many of us hold back so much and miss out on real happiness with someone who wants to treat us like the unicorns we all are because of people who aren’t even in our lives anymore?!
Fear. A four letter word. A strong four letter word that can keep us from a lot of things in life (not just love). Don’t let it ruin a potentially great future because there is so much LIFE out there to be had!
“Don’t be the same..don’t do the same… don’t think the same… be better.”
STOP LIMITING YOURSELF FROM HAVING WHAT YOUR HEART DESIRES.